Dear Friend,

Wow. It’s been a while. I guess there’s a lot to catch up on, but here’s what I’m thinking…

I feel movies way too deeply. I feel each and every emotion that the characters feel, and get way too invested. A sad movie can honestly put me in a funk for like three days, and I’ve never understood that about myself. What is it about the human brain that wants so badly to relate to the visual content it’s taking in that it replicates the facial expressions and emotions its processing? I mean, I’ve noticed that when I watch a hallmark movie, my jaw hurts at the end because I’ve been smiling like a goof the entire time. And when I watch a sad movie I sob as the main character receives the horrible news that her childhood dog has died. Why does the brain do that? Why does it force me to experience the emotional rollercoaster that some fictional character in a chick flick is experiencing?

For the past few months, my mental health (let’s call her Lisa) has been a little sick. Now, it’s not COVID, as I did ask her to be tested before returning to work, but she’s definitely feeling a little under the weather. And I get it, we all have bad days, but Lisa doesn’t seem like she has that drive to get better. I always hear doctors saying that if a patient doesn’t want to get better, they simply won’t. You can see why that would be a problem for me because Lisa and I are a team. I can’t work if she doesn’t work, and she can’t work if I don’t work. It’s a great thing we have going here, but when one of us gets sick it all goes downhill.

All jokes aside, though, I’ve been plagued by severe anxiety for the past couple of months. And anxiety is a funny little thing. My anxiety, in particular, takes hold of the things in my life that I love most, and replaces those warm and fuzzy feelings with fear. It strips me of my laughter, of my humor (which is honestly just a sad thing in itself because I am hilarious), and my pride. And when this little challenge comes along I become me, but less. I don’t feel a shift, I just kind of fade a little. And then, when it becomes too much and I can’t fix it by myself, I go to the doctor. They tighten my screws and replace my batteries to help my light bulb shine brighter.

The reason why I’m telling you all of this is because people don’t remember things in days, they remember them in moments. And beyond that, people remember the way a moment makes them feel. Why do we remember the greatest movies in all of history? Because when Allie and Noah die in their sleep while holding hands in The Notebook, we all start to believe a little more in the power of true love. And when Hilly actually takes a bite of the pie Minny made in The Help, we all feel a sense of empowerment and a fire for justice. When Dorothy clicks her heels and finally makes it home in Wizard of Oz, we all feel homesick.

What I’m trying to say is that life is not a collection of days, it’s a collection of moments – good and bad. It’s like an extra long movie, full of moments. A movie just squishes all those moments up together to make the audience feel exactly what they’re supposed to feel. But overall, life’s moments are meant to be felt deeply…and then let go.

Love, Allie ❤

Dear Friend,

Do you ever feel trapped inside yourself? Doing all of the right things to move forward and be the best version of yourself  – eating healthy, exercising, and working – but feeling like absolutely nothing is changing. Eating healthy but not losing weight, exercising but not getting stronger, working but not making money.

Helen Keller once said “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” I’m eating healthy and exercising because I don’t think my body looks good enough, when I should be rewarding my body for keeping me alive and feeling well. My body is this amazing vessel capable of sustaining human life, but when I look in the mirror I think about the fat, the stretch marks, and the cellulite – signs of imperfection. I’m working two jobs, but I’m not grateful when I cash my paycheck – because it’s not enough. It’s enough to live comfortably, but not enough to quiet the voice of greed in the back of my head. I’ll always need more, and nothing will ever be enough. 

Having sight means recording images and sending them to the brain, while having vision is interpreting those signals. Sight is nothing without vision, and vision is nothing without sight. The two must work together to see the world, and also process it. 

Sight is ignorance without vision. To fully process and understand the meaning of each moment in our lives, we need both. What Helen Keller meant when she said “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision” is that the only thing worse than being blind is having all of the necessary tools to see, but choosing to be blind by not using them.

Love, Allie ❤

Inspiration Credit: www.marveloptics.com

Dear Friend,

This summer, I started a new phase of my life – I moved out of my mom’s house and into an apartment. I cook meals for myself, budget my money, and work full time to save up before the school year starts. I never realized though, until I moved out, that money can really take a hold of my life. All I think about is how much money I have, how I’m spending it, and how I can get more of it. My stomach hurts every time I go to the grocery store because I know I’m going to spend at least $80 on two weeks worth of food, and inserting my card into the card reader makes me feel awful inside. It’s not like I don’t have enough money to live, because my parents are helping me out while I’m in college, but I find myself worrying about paying for grad school, buying a house when I get out of undergrad, and making enough money to support myself. All of that is 3 years away, and in a lot of ways I’m still a kid with parents who take care of me, so why the heck am I worrying about all of this?

I’ve given myself this expectation of saving up enough money to pay for grad school out of pocket when I get out undergrad. Which is impossible. I just woke up one day and my brain said to me “Allie, you’re going to work hard and get odd jobs and be a freelance writer and work jobs on campus so that when you graduate you can walk to the billing office at your grad school and hand them a check that pays for everything.” I’m sorry, but why the actual heck did I decide this? But now that I’ve decided it, it’s all I can think about. I also convinced myself that I should make a down payment on a rental property to make passive income while I’m in school. I know nothing about buying a rental property, I don’t know where to start, but now I have to do something about it so that my brain will just. shut. up. 

I know it’s all irrational thinking, but all of these thoughts are very, very real to me. I can look at myself in the mirror and convincingly tell myself that none of what my brain is telling me is rational or even possible, but the anxiety and expectation doesn’t go away. And that’s what I’ve been battling in my brain lately. I’m not sure if that’s crazy or normal, but if you feel the same way, maybe we could talk. I hope to hear from you soon. 

Love, Allie ❤

Dear friend,

Welcome to my very first blog post! If we haven’t met, I’m Allie. I’m a college student with lots of questions (and some answers) about life. I wanted to start this blog because one, I’ve always wanted to try it (it just seems like fun), and two, I’ve always loved to journal what I’m thinking while I drink a cup of coffee, and this way I can do that while also relating to people who probably feel the same way. I also welcome any and all advice.

I love my life, and I’ve worked really hard to get where I am today, but I feel so restless. There’s a part of me that wants to speed up my life and fast forward to the part where I’m married to someone I love, have a steady job, live in a cute little house, and have a steady routine that I can count on. But then there’s part of me that loves the stage that I’m in and wants to enjoy every little thing, living spontaneously and free. There’s a part of me that wants to spend my entire college education taking opportunities to better my chances of getting into grad school (and getting scholarships for grad school), but another part that wants to throw away all responsibility, live in the moment, and just BE a college student who doesn’t think about the future, eats whatever I want whenever I want it, and spends all of my money the second it hits my bank account.

I’m so restless, but I think it might be restless in a good way. If you feel that way too, keep reading this blog, and we’ll figure things out together. I love how I live, and I want to keep loving it, but I think I need to learn how to balance myself better. How to balance my thoughts, my feelings, and my ambitions. 

So in the next couple of months, I’m going to be writing about all of these things. All of the things that I think about from day to day, the things that my brain and my heart are most conflicted about, and what I think it means. I also want to share my own unique perspective on each topic because I think that each person has their own experiences and perspectives for a reason, so that they can share with others what those experiences have taught them. And if you feel so led, I’d love for you to share your perspectives with me. I want this blog to be a safe place for us to talk about the experiences that have shaped us, and how they’ve changed our perspectives in specific ways. I really hope that you’ll join me in this fun, fulfilling journey, so grab a cup of joe and let’s talk.  

Love, Allie ❤